Once again, I'm here. Nothing concrete to write about. Except, maybe, the failures of the day. What the fuck is seriously wrong with me? I am not sure there is much left to do in my life. Hard work, use of brain, and so on seem to be beyond me. Seem to be. I refuse to believe all that, still. I still have so much to do with my life. I have been unable to do anything constructive for a prolonged period in the past few months. Good thing is, at least, I did get started on a few things and managed to continue that for a period long enough for it to almost feel like a habit. And I'm finding myself getting more annoyed with the position I continue to be in, this place of helpnessness, despair and all around negativity, in my life. And I don't know where to get started.
At all.
Failures at work.
Failures at home.
Failures ALL around.
Well, have fun till the next time I vandalise this space in the most uncreative way.
Till then, take a listen to this:
Duck, Hush and be still by Veto.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Till Good Friday
So, I have no time or so I think.
Complete lack of knowledge on how I've spent time since the last post.
Time seems to vanish faster than I can even register.
So, taking all of that into account and the fact that I've been a lazy ass whinger for this entire lifetime of mine, I want to do certain things properly now. I already don't seem to have time to get the things I want done. For example, I work out quite a bit and I think i worked out at least 3 times per week for the past month or so. I can easily run 8km in an hour - not the greatest speed, I know, but I am only a beginner and it was a milestone for me that I actually ran for an entire hour. And I want this to be the routine: start everyday with a run. So, the whole ordeal takes up a couple of hours - inclusive of time to shower and getting to the gym and all that. Then time for work. And that's taken up the chunk of my time. And I WASTE tonnes of time at work. I am not pleased with it. I only seem to be able to concentrate at work when it is early morning or evening. So, need to bend my mind and batter it down and make it focus on work. Yeah, I think I might have ADD or something. Given all this, I have NO time to read the weekly updates in the world around me (news, I mean) or practise German or read any of the books I want to. Really. So, I just want to use this space to list out stuff I really want to do in the upcoming months. Considering its 1st of March, its a good day to start I think. I'm giving myself till Good Friday to see some improvements.
Grand List:
1. German vocab and basically, german grammar drills.
2. Fundamentals of programming
3. Intro to Design Patterns
4. Read books.
5. Read a good news source.
6. Intro to Economics & Finance
7. Keep up to date with work.
8. Workout for an hour at least.
9. Lose one dress size.
10. Practise guitar.
11. Clean room.
12. Clean up comp and inbox.
Seems like I have absolutely no time. I don't want to finish all of that stuff on my list by the 10th, only a few! Mostly, just need to find time to do each of those per week. I suppose I would also need to prioritise. All into gear by 10 April? 6 weeks! Let's see! I think a 6-hour sleep routine would be awesome.
Complete lack of knowledge on how I've spent time since the last post.
Time seems to vanish faster than I can even register.
So, taking all of that into account and the fact that I've been a lazy ass whinger for this entire lifetime of mine, I want to do certain things properly now. I already don't seem to have time to get the things I want done. For example, I work out quite a bit and I think i worked out at least 3 times per week for the past month or so. I can easily run 8km in an hour - not the greatest speed, I know, but I am only a beginner and it was a milestone for me that I actually ran for an entire hour. And I want this to be the routine: start everyday with a run. So, the whole ordeal takes up a couple of hours - inclusive of time to shower and getting to the gym and all that. Then time for work. And that's taken up the chunk of my time. And I WASTE tonnes of time at work. I am not pleased with it. I only seem to be able to concentrate at work when it is early morning or evening. So, need to bend my mind and batter it down and make it focus on work. Yeah, I think I might have ADD or something. Given all this, I have NO time to read the weekly updates in the world around me (news, I mean) or practise German or read any of the books I want to. Really. So, I just want to use this space to list out stuff I really want to do in the upcoming months. Considering its 1st of March, its a good day to start I think. I'm giving myself till Good Friday to see some improvements.
Grand List:
1. German vocab and basically, german grammar drills.
2. Fundamentals of programming
3. Intro to Design Patterns
4. Read books.
5. Read a good news source.
6. Intro to Economics & Finance
7. Keep up to date with work.
8. Workout for an hour at least.
9. Lose one dress size.
10. Practise guitar.
11. Clean room.
12. Clean up comp and inbox.
Seems like I have absolutely no time. I don't want to finish all of that stuff on my list by the 10th, only a few! Mostly, just need to find time to do each of those per week. I suppose I would also need to prioritise. All into gear by 10 April? 6 weeks! Let's see! I think a 6-hour sleep routine would be awesome.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Madness
How anyone can be ultimately, undoubtedly sure of something is a mystery to me. That is the likely reason for my lack of conviction in almost anything. A few things, perhaps, are exempt from this uncertainty that generally dictates my thoughts but mostly, I can't seem to blindly believe in or argue for something.
I have been thinking about tonnes of things that I can't go into now - partially because my thoughts are in a severe mess and partially because I have this sense of urgency to do something productive towards my job. I shall make that the subject of this post now. My job.
I am glad for the job I have. It pays slightly above average and is in a respectable firm. I am happy with my role's description - software developer is what I am. But I am placed in a precarious team that simply isn't essential it would seem, considering the number of people that have been laid off from the team in its short history. I didn't ask for this team. I am still not sure why I was selected for this team considering my lack of development experience and education! I feel like I am under undue pressure because of that. So, I need to study in my free time. Read up on the stuff I have to know to be an essential member of this inessential team. I don't mind that except with my inherent lack of confidence I think I need more hands-on experience to gain that very confidence. However, there are two problems I can immediately think of: I am yet to find out ways to practise the concepts learned on suitable exerices and also, the problem of apparently poor time management. Oh and also, my rusty brain that is quite simply inefficient to say the least at the moment, thus contributing to the lack of time. Oh bloody well. So, everyday I go to bed with the fear of not being skilled enough.
And in times like these, I should be saving and financially prudent but all I've been doing is spend beyond my means even though I have loans to pay. See, I have already crossed on to something apart from my job. I am not done with that banter. But I should perhaps talk a little about my other primary concern now. I have loans to pay and a limited income, which is not a guaranteed one in the long run. So, I need to pay off loans that accrue interest in a few months. I can do that. Then comes the big chunks that I really would take a year and a half to pay off! And my income insn't guaranteed for that long I feel and so I worry.
Savings, who cares, seems to be the attitude now. I spend whatever I have on interests. Travels. Dives - Oh how awesome and I have already planned my next trips. Music. Books. Gym. Movies. Drinks. Cabs. I haven't yet spent much on clothes and apparrels shopping even thought that has now become a neccessity!
So, yes, seriously need to get over the fears and do something. Plan out the finances and set aside time to study and actually make something of this life. I should also be planning what to do after these three years. Hopefully, I will be employed for the coming three years and I will save enough to do what I really want to. And anyway, I have to get going now and will leave with these few lines, which simply seem to have flowed through my fingers earlier today when I wanted to randomly type something. Nothing great but really defines my mood.
As the sun rises, I can only think about the life I could be leading. As the sun sets, I can only think about the life I have lead. When will the time come where I am glad for the life I am leading?
I have been thinking about tonnes of things that I can't go into now - partially because my thoughts are in a severe mess and partially because I have this sense of urgency to do something productive towards my job. I shall make that the subject of this post now. My job.
I am glad for the job I have. It pays slightly above average and is in a respectable firm. I am happy with my role's description - software developer is what I am. But I am placed in a precarious team that simply isn't essential it would seem, considering the number of people that have been laid off from the team in its short history. I didn't ask for this team. I am still not sure why I was selected for this team considering my lack of development experience and education! I feel like I am under undue pressure because of that. So, I need to study in my free time. Read up on the stuff I have to know to be an essential member of this inessential team. I don't mind that except with my inherent lack of confidence I think I need more hands-on experience to gain that very confidence. However, there are two problems I can immediately think of: I am yet to find out ways to practise the concepts learned on suitable exerices and also, the problem of apparently poor time management. Oh and also, my rusty brain that is quite simply inefficient to say the least at the moment, thus contributing to the lack of time. Oh bloody well. So, everyday I go to bed with the fear of not being skilled enough.
And in times like these, I should be saving and financially prudent but all I've been doing is spend beyond my means even though I have loans to pay. See, I have already crossed on to something apart from my job. I am not done with that banter. But I should perhaps talk a little about my other primary concern now. I have loans to pay and a limited income, which is not a guaranteed one in the long run. So, I need to pay off loans that accrue interest in a few months. I can do that. Then comes the big chunks that I really would take a year and a half to pay off! And my income insn't guaranteed for that long I feel and so I worry.
Savings, who cares, seems to be the attitude now. I spend whatever I have on interests. Travels. Dives - Oh how awesome and I have already planned my next trips. Music. Books. Gym. Movies. Drinks. Cabs. I haven't yet spent much on clothes and apparrels shopping even thought that has now become a neccessity!
So, yes, seriously need to get over the fears and do something. Plan out the finances and set aside time to study and actually make something of this life. I should also be planning what to do after these three years. Hopefully, I will be employed for the coming three years and I will save enough to do what I really want to. And anyway, I have to get going now and will leave with these few lines, which simply seem to have flowed through my fingers earlier today when I wanted to randomly type something. Nothing great but really defines my mood.
As the sun rises, I can only think about the life I could be leading. As the sun sets, I can only think about the life I have lead. When will the time come where I am glad for the life I am leading?
Saturday, January 3, 2009
You used to be alright. What happened?
-15 Step by Radiohead.
-On an official Radiohead T-shirt, too.
I first came across the words on the t-shirt. I found a few absolutely-must-have tees on their site but alas, some are way too expensive and I'd rather like to hold on to some cash for now. No, not because of the economy or any such thing, though this would open up a good debate I think.
Anyway. "You used to alright. What happened?" Surely, it basically asks the person how did you go wrong/get worse. But well, what if you used to be alright and now, you are simply brilliant? No, I've not been reading any self help books.
What is the path to brilliance? I once had a passionate interest in Astrophysics and for some reason that is just out of my reach now, in so many ways. I was once able to write, or so I tell myself now, and sorta design dresses and draw those out in my kiddy-ish way. Others have commented on both of those apparent "talents" back then as well. The drawings, I must admit, weren't that good to begin with, the designs were ok but I thought I wrote kinda well for that age or what. But now, I can't conjure up the least bit of prose, imaginary tales of wonder, mystery, and hope. I can't even write about my sodden life in such a way as to make it all entertaining and comical and not the least bit whiny. No, I'm not capable of brilliance it would seem.
So, what is your talent? What is your passion? What is it that you live for?
-On an official Radiohead T-shirt, too.
I first came across the words on the t-shirt. I found a few absolutely-must-have tees on their site but alas, some are way too expensive and I'd rather like to hold on to some cash for now. No, not because of the economy or any such thing, though this would open up a good debate I think.
Anyway. "You used to alright. What happened?" Surely, it basically asks the person how did you go wrong/get worse. But well, what if you used to be alright and now, you are simply brilliant? No, I've not been reading any self help books.
What is the path to brilliance? I once had a passionate interest in Astrophysics and for some reason that is just out of my reach now, in so many ways. I was once able to write, or so I tell myself now, and sorta design dresses and draw those out in my kiddy-ish way. Others have commented on both of those apparent "talents" back then as well. The drawings, I must admit, weren't that good to begin with, the designs were ok but I thought I wrote kinda well for that age or what. But now, I can't conjure up the least bit of prose, imaginary tales of wonder, mystery, and hope. I can't even write about my sodden life in such a way as to make it all entertaining and comical and not the least bit whiny. No, I'm not capable of brilliance it would seem.
So, what is your talent? What is your passion? What is it that you live for?
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